Fallen Short
by raelee
Summary: AU and Slash. Chapter 5 Added. Merton and Tommy haven't seen each other in years... some things have changed and some things haven't. Angst.
1. Default Chapter

Fallen Short  
  
  
  
Merton rubbed his eyes; they were stinging but he had to finish looking through the submitted artwork. He'd insisted on control of every minute detail of his fifth book, using the name he had made for himself to back his impulse for control, so he wasn't going to delegate or slack off because he'd been staring at a blank page of Word for five hours. He could have looked at the submissions earlier but he had thought he might be able to conquer his writer's block if he went straight to the computer and dove right into writing. He had been wrong, and five hours later all he had was his the memory of numerous failures at writing the most pivotal scene of the book and eyes that felt like they were on fire. Picking up the last portfolio, Merton let out a sigh and prayed the artist had an understanding about his characters and the series. He'd given three possibilities in writing for a cover and every submission thus far had been a caricature or bland unimaginative drawing. Merton wondered if they had read what he had written, or if they could read at all. He flattened the portfolio on his desk and at the name, noting that once again the person had no experience. Of course, he had said to look for untapped talent; maybe that had been his mistake. Merton shook his head and braced himself for another horrid depiction of his characters and their lives.  
  
He gasped. The other rough drafts had been pencil sketches or charcoal. No life, no color - not to mention unprofessional - which had left him wanting more. Also he wondered if there were any artists out there who could draw what he craved and had lost when his prior artist took a leave of absence for motherhood. His heart pounded as he stared at the vibrant colors that were almost hurting his sore eyes, but he didn't care. Merton took in a breathtaking portrait of the Dark Castle with the four heroes figures cloaked in shadow by the side of it. The image held all he wanted, all he'd envisioned in his mind's eye. Realizing he wasn't breathing, he laughed at himself and could see the imaginary headlines, 'Merton J. Dingle, Best Selling Author, dies of shock from seeing a fantastic drawing.' Taking a breath, he reached over and grabbed a can of orange soda and sipped it, to steady himself before looking at the second picture. Then he flipped the page to see what the artist had captured for the second image he'd requested and a smile spread across his face. The half monster/half butterfly was swooping down over a crystal clear lake was perfection. The reflection of the creature's rainbow of colors and graceful yet monstrous size was precisely what Merton had imagined, and had described in words. If the artist was there, Merton was sure he'd be hugging and smothering him with kisses. He flipped the portfolio closed and read the name - Ian Nikola - yep he'd be smothering and kissing a him with absolute glee. Merton opened the portfolio again, he had to look at the last picture. The last picture was the true litmus test because it would contain the most pivotal moment of the fifth book; the moment that he couldn't bring to life. A scene of importance and emotion that he couldn't write and was blocked on in a way that he'd never succumbed to before. Maybe this artist's beautiful handling of his vision would find a way to unlock the door to the words and the emotion Merton needed.  
  
The drawing was perfect, too perfect and Merton paled and his blood pressure plummeted, making him dizzy. How had the artist done it, how had he done it? On the page in Merton's hands was a drawing that pulled you into another world. It was two young men and they were reaching out for each other, but they couldn't reach. One of the young men was over a cliff, his other hand trying desperately to stay locked onto a crevice in the rock, as the second man was flat on his stomach stretching his arms down to the one in peril. It was the expressions on their faces, not the action, that drew Merton in and made his stomach lurch. He saw fear, terror, guilt and hope clearly on both of their faces. He could almost feel the heat of their emotions and the determined struggle as they reached for each other. It was his book's cover, this picture, just the way it was, without any changes. Now if only Merton could write the scene. His hope faded about the picture helping him, because instead seeing the picture, Merton felt panicked. Could he do it, could he live up to the emotion and pay off he had been leading to? Could he bring his two main characters, Macen and Rorke, back together? Mending the hurt feelings, broken promises, and betrayals? Their partnership was to be reborn as Rorke grabs Macen's hand, only Merton couldn't write it and he couldn't comprehend why. Why something that had been in his mind since the story popped into his mind years ago was eluding his grasp when its time had finally come. He'd written drafts a million times but they all felt flat, detached, unemotional and worst of all they didn't ring true to Merton's heart.  
  
Merton closed his eyes, trying to shake away the doubt and fear filling him about his work and took a few deep breaths to try to clear his mind. When he opened them again the brilliant green of Rorke's eyes caught his eye and he found himself staring. There was a look of fierce and obstinate resolve, drawn into the character's expression. A familiar face and familiar eyes -- Memories overwhelmed Merton against his will.  
  
Tommy leaning against a locker with a grin on his face the first time they spoke. Tommy patiently teaching him how to throw a free throw, so they could play basketball together. Small moments of all the times, Tommy fell asleep at his place while they watched movie. Or the incredulous looks Tommy gave, when Merton started spinning tales of fantasy off the top of his head. All the encouragement and support when Merton talked about maybe writing the tales down. Merton inhaled sharply and felt choked because pain came with memories of Tommy.  
  
All the memories came at once, as if a closet door that been too full had been unlocked . And with all the good came all the bad. The inane fights they'd had their first year of college, mostly near the end of the year. They'd fought about living space, phone time, forgotten plans, dirty clothes and none of it had felt right or made sense to Merton. Then came the worst and last memory - an empty dorm room. Tommy had packed everything he owned and left without an explanation, a goodbye. He hadn't even left Merton a note. In a blink the best friend Merton had ever had walked out of his life as quickly as he had walked in. Merton's greatest fear had been realized; he lost Tommy, and he would never know why or how.  
  
Dropping the drawing of his two main characters, Merton rubbed his eyes. This was not the time to be thinking of Tommy. He was tired and seeing things that weren't there in the picture. Tommy had no resemblance to the image of Rorke Ian Nikola had drawn. Merton turned his mind back to business, he needed to let someone know he wanted this artist because his take on the 'rescue scene' was dead on. It was perfect, Merton didn't want a thing changed, that was what he would tell everyone. He closed the portfolio, turned off the computer and the desk light before standing up, wincing. He'd been sitting for hours, drinking flat soda and staring at a blank screen and his muscles were revolting. Merton felt a wave of exhaustion threaten to overcome him and forced his legs cross the room, so he could grab his jacket. It was time to go to his apartment and obsess about his writers block. At least he had found a new cover artist, but Merton frowned as he realized that a stranger had captured his pivotal scene in a drawing, while he couldn't write it to save his own life. Standing at the door, Merton was stuck between an urge to go back to his computer or to go home to obsess over it instead. His cell phone rang, distracting him from his dilemma. "Hello?"  
  
"Is this Merton Dingle?"  
  
"Yes. Who is this?"  
  
"I am calling from County Universal Hospital. is Rebecca Dingle your sister?  
  
Merton paled and squeaked a yes. The woman informed him that Becky had been in a car accident and his protective instincts took over. He started demanding answers the woman on the phone didn't have or refused to give. He cursed her, as he shouted something about it being his only sister before disconnecting and racing to the stairwell. Everything was forgotten; the cover art, his writer's block and Tommy Dawkins because his sister's life flashed before his eyes. His heartbeat became his soul focus as it pounded in his ears, nothing could happen to Becky, she was all the family he had left. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two  
  
Merton stared at the chairs in the waiting room there were a few other people there sitting, they looked sullen and Merton felt sick. How could they sit? He couldn't sit still at a time like this. The déjà vu was too strong, this was too much like what had happened his junior year of college. The phone call out of the blue, the news of a car crash, the strange faces at the hospital saying, 'surgery' and then came two doctors and two faces of doom. Merton paced remembering Becky had been with him then, and he glanced at a chair. He wished she was there, her knees up to her chin and her eyes wide, watching him wearing a hole in the floor. He wanted her to yell at him to stop it, that he was making her more afraid and to stop it. He hadn't listened to her that night, he'd listen to her now. but there was no voice telling him to stop moving. Because Becky could be joining their parents right now - a doctor with an expression that shows death before there are any words could come out and talk to him at any second.  
  
Merton stopped for a moment and ran his hands through his hair. It was soaking, outside it was pouring rain in a steady sheet and he had to run down the streets of New York before he could find a taxi. He was soaking, his hair and clothes dripping but he was barely aware of it, until his hair dripped water into his eyes. He pushed the hank of hair that was falling over his forehead away and up and looked up at the hospital's white ceiling. Where the hell were some answers? He had no clue how long he'd been in the hospital, or even how long it had been since he received the call about Becky. He felt trapped in bad memories of the night his parents died and where he was now -- he couldn't help himself as cold, dark images of losing his sister kept appearing in his mind. It would be so empty, a life without Becky. She was his best reality check, she kept him grounded, she reminded him that even though he was a famous writer that he was still just a freak and her annoying brother. She made him remember that he was once nothing but her brother and that was what he would always be to her - and sometimes she didn't want to admit. What the hell would he do without her embarrassment of him? Her eye-rolls and exasperated sighs were like air to him. Life without her would be completely empty and how could this end up different than it had the last time? He had imagined it all then too. all the worst case scenarios, one parent died, both died. how the hell he'd take care of Becky and get them both through college. What would he do? How was he going to take care of his sister?  
  
"God." Merton started pacing again, guilt boiling inside of him. He had let Becky down, he was supposed to take care of her and protect her and he'd let her drive in the city. He'd let her out onto the roads around other people - crazy and careless people -- he had let this happen. This was all his fault. His sister was going to die and it was all his fault. She'd tell him he was full of it, but he wouldn't listen to that, he knew what was right. He was the older brother, it was his job to love and protect her always and he'd never been good enough. And now she was probably going to die. Merton walked out of the waiting room and back toward the nurse's station, he wanted more answers. He wanted more facts. He wanted to know more about this surgery his sister was in. Maybe they had already told him but he couldn't hear anything but his own imagination and his own ragged breathing. The nurse saw him coming and she smiled up at him in what he assumed was, in her opinion, an expression of sympathy and understanding. He thought it looked annoying and condescending. "Mr. Dingle, are you sure you wouldn't like a towel?"  
  
"I want to know more about my sister."  
  
"I'll get you a towel." She smiled and walked out from behind her barriers towards a closet and Merton wished he could grab her and toss her against a wall. Somehow, he had enough sense not to assault her.  
  
"What I really need is to see my sister."  
  
"She's still in surgery."  
  
"How long does it take? What are they doing?"  
  
"Please Mr. Dingle, take the towel. You are shivering."  
  
Merton grabbed the stupid towel and shook his head. "I'm not cold, I need to know what's going on with my sister."  
  
The nurse looked him square in the eye and shook her head. "All I can tell you is she is in surgery, they need to stop some internal bleeding. She's in very good hands and all things considered your sister is very lucky."  
  
"Lucky?" Merton said, that was incredible, his sister was lucky she had people cutting her open. Cutting her open to stop bleeding, how did that make sense? His brain couldn't even comprehend the physiological logic. He closed his eyes. "I want to see her."  
  
"As soon as you can see her I will come and get you." The nurse sighed. "Mr. Dingle, please wrap the towel around your shoulders at least, dry your hair. You know what, I am going to get something to change into you. I know you don't feel it but you are shivering."  
  
"I want to see my sister," Merton repeated, he didn't care if he was shivering, he didn't care if he was turning blue or caught pneumonia.  
  
"I'll find you something dry. It will be scrubs but it's better than soaking wet clothes." The nurse said, taking his elbow and directing him back to the waiting room. "Please Mr. Dingle, just sit and a doctor will be down soon to update you on your sister. Then you will be able to see her."  
  
Merton just looked at her, he was tired of talking and he let her push him down into a chair. His phone rang as she started walking away and he dug it out of his pocket. The phone was wet, and he almost dropped it as he maneuvered it to answer, wondering who in hell would be calling him at a time like this.  
  
Before he spoke a soft female voice spoke into his ear. "You promised me, no more falling asleep at the office keyboard."  
  
Merton closed his eyes. It was Leah, someone who could at least help him with finding answers. "Becky was in a car crash."  
  
There was silence for a minute and then he heard a rustle of sounds. "Where, what hospital?" Leah's voice came back on the line, she sounded distant and he heard her muttering to herself, "Shit, where are my pants."  
  
"General Community."  
  
"Okay. I'll be there soon. Do you need anything?"  
  
"Clothes."  
  
"For Rebecca?"  
  
"I'm wet."  
  
"Oh, okay. I'll be right there, Merton. Hold on."  
  
Merton closed his eyes and breathed the first easy breath since he heard about Becky. A dial tone sounded in his ear and he hung up the phone and shoved it back into his jeans, soaking his hand in the process. Looking at his hand and seeing the drops of water, Merton took the towel he'd been given and used it to wipe off his hand, then his hair. As he dropped it back down onto his lap, the nurse came back holding something that was the most awful shade of green he had ever seen. "Someone is bringing me clothes."  
  
"You called someone."  
  
Merton nodded, that was close enough to the truth. He hadn't thought of calling Leah, but that didn't matter, she was coming now. Not that it mattered, all that mattered was seeing Becky. All that mattered was that Becky stayed alive.  
  
"Okay, well I hope they get here soon."  
  
"She will. How much longer?"  
  
"Less than an hour, I am sure, Mr. Dingle."  
  
Merton nodded and stood up. He couldn't sit still and just wait, how did people just sit and wait at times like this? He started pacing again, walking around the chair he'd been sitting in to walk in a constant circle, now and again pausing to look toward the nurse's station for a doctor. He didn't know how long he'd been pacing when he finally saw two figures walking through them, one in ugly blue scrubs, the other in the atrocious green. His eyes fell on the one in the green, he was walking a few steps behind the other man and there was something familiar about his form. Merton hadn't known he had any blood left to drain from his system, but the shock of who he was watching approach him made him feel dizzy. It was Tommy. Merton blinked, it couldn't be Tommy. Tommy wasn't in his life anymore and he turned away from the image. It was a mirage, he was imagining getting Tommy back to make losing Becky better? He'd always found the daydreams he had about Tommy walking back into his life when he was feeling depressed and empty a weakness but to do it now. When his sister could be dead made Merton felt ill and he nearly vomited. The two men had reached him as the self-disgust overwhelmed him and he staggered almost falling. Solid hands gripped him, stopping the fall and were followed by a voice as familiar as his own. "Merton? Merton? Are you okay? God, you're freezing. Becky's okay, I promise." Merton turned, letting Tommy lift him up, it was like he was outside of his body Tommy couldn't be there but he was and he wasn't hallucinating? It was really Tommy and he was holding him up, had he'd been about to fall?  
  
"Mr. Dingle? I am Dr. Claxon, I operated on your sister. She was a very lucky young lady." Merton's attention snapped away from his confusion and to the surgeon. He stepped away from Tommy, shrugging him off his arms. It was too much to take, too much had happened since Tommy had disappeared from his life for him to be touching him and all that mattered Becky. A small voice in the back of Merton's mind was whispering, 'at least you weren't being some sick asshole imagining Tommy to make yourself feel better'  
  
The doctor repeated what he had said before to Merton, realizing he hadn't heard him before and Merton shook his head, the word 'lucky' hitting him again as a term that did not apply to the situation. "Lucky? She's lucky? So, she's."  
  
"She's going to be fine, Mr. Dingle. Dawkins will take you to see her, she'll be unconscious for awhile but she will be okay. I'll be checking in before you have to leave."  
  
"Have to leave?" Merton whispered as he watched the surgeon walk away from him again and he started after him. "Wait, I have."  
  
"Dawkins is qualified to answer them," the man said over his shoulder.  
  
Merton heard Tommy uncomfortably clearing his throat and Merton turned around and looked at him. He couldn't really see Tommy, everything was so surreal and dreamlike to him. It had been since he was told about Becky. "Take me to her."  
  
Tommy nodded and started walking and Merton followed him. He could hear every step the two of them took down the hallway and stopping when Tommy hit the button for the elevator. They stepped inside and Merton went right to the corner and leaned against the walls. His heart was pumping, he wasn't sure he would believe Becky was okay until he saw her breathing, or heard her yelling at him about worrying in the first place. He couldn't take his eyes off of Tommy's back, Tommy had turned to stare at the doors and Merton kept wondering if it was his imagination that had brought Tommy there. But he knew Tommy had touched him and the surgeon had definitely called him Dawkins. But still, what was Tommy doing there? Maybe this was all a bad dream. Maybe he was asleep in his office, his cheek pressed against his keyboard and Leah was on the answering machine trying to wake him up.  
  
The elevator's doors opened and Tommy walked out, Merton followed him looking around, waiting for the hospital to disappear, if it was a dream his realizing it would wake him up, right? Only nothing disappeared and a harsh female voice startled him enough to bring back the reality that Becky had been in a car crash.  
  
"Excuse me, are you Mr. Dingle?"  
  
Merton turned and looked, a nurse was standing there and she looked irritated and Merton felt confused about what she wanted from him and he waited for her to speak again.  
  
"What is it, Ronnie?" Tommy's asked from behind him.  
  
"There is a woman downstairs, demanding to see Rebecca Dingle. Only family is allowed, so is this woman part of the family, Mr. Dingle? Leah Dalton."  
  
Merton started to nod but Tommy her, "She's family to them. Let her up."  
  
"Yes, Dr. Dawkins."  
  
"Merton, Becky's down the hall."  
  
Merton turned back around and saw Tommy looking at him but avoiding eye contact. Merton nodded, wondering if the night could get anymore surreal and he once again found himself staring at Tommy's back as Tommy passed a few rooms and then finally walked into one, and Merton found himself paralyzed, unable to move from the hallway. The room looked dark and he couldn't see Becky, and he almost didn't want to. It had been the center of all his thoughts since finding out about her accident. but now it was all starting to feel too real.  
  
"Merton?" Tommy was back.  
  
"She's okay?" Merton asked looking past Tommy into the room.  
  
"Yes. She'll ache for while. She's got a lot of superficial cuts and bruising, and all the internal bleeding was stopped. But she'll be fine.." Tommy trailed off and cleared his throat uncomfortably.  
  
"No chance of death."  
  
"No," Tommy said, sharply.  
  
"Our parents." Merton gulped and stopped the rest of the thought.  
  
"Merton?" the scent of fruit and wild flowers was right next to him in a flash and Merton turned and looked into concerned brown eyes. "Have you seen her?" Leah asked, hugging him tightly. "Oh my God, you're sopping wet."  
  
"I can't go in there," he whispered into her ear, quietly.  
  
"Go in. See her, listen to her breathe," Leah whispered back and then pulled away from him and pushed him inside the room.  
  
Once inside Merton heard Becky breathing and took a deep breath of his own to steel himself to look at her. Looking at his little sister, seeing her so tiny with all sorts of wires attached to her made hot tears burn his eyes and for the first time that night he felt how cold he was. He didn't care though and he walked to the bed and sat down staring at her. There were cuts on her face but despite that she looked peaceful like she was in a sound sleep and he could hear her breath and see her chest rising and falling. Blinking, he caused the tears in his eyes to trail down his face, ignoring them he reached out and touched her cheek - her skin was hot, Becky was alive and Merton let out a sob of relief. 


	3. Chapter Three

Chapter Three  
  
Tommy took a breath as the sound of Merton's relieved sob carried out of the room into the hallway outside of Becky's room. He'd been holding it since Leah had arrived and pushed Merton to where he needed to be, by his sister's side, seeing and feeling for himself that she had survived her car accident. He'd been at a loss of what to do for Merton when he'd watched him close up and freeze in fear of seeing his sister. Tommy crossed his arms over his chest and tried to separate Merton from Becky's bedside in the dark room before him. Tommy had seen other family members have the same reaction, beg and beg to see their loved ones and then freeze for a moment the second they could. Tommy believed it a protective instinct that the mind played on people waiting during a crisis. His theory was the mind tricked itself during the crisis into keeping a hope alive that there was no crisis, it kept a door open to the possibility they'd wake up from a nightmare and find their loved ones unharmed. Then reality would hit when the time came to see their loved ones after surgery, there had been a real danger of losing them and maybe that danger wasn't over. That made walking in to see them more intense and understandably terrifying.  
  
Tommy was good with the patients, the nurses jokingly called him Dr. Bedside one calling it the perfect name for when he turned porn star. All the patients and their families loved that nice young intern Dawkins. But Merton wasn't just anybody, Merton had never been just anyone in his life, Tommy thought, still looking through the door. His eyes had adjusted to the darkness in the room and he could clearly make out Merton's back and see him holding Becky's hand. The years hadn't changed Merton, he was still in black and he was still too skinny, like he never ate enough. Tommy bit his lip and stepped away from the door; his eyes closed as he groaned inwardly, wishing he knew what the hell to do. He had a professional duty to Becky, but that wasn't what was on his mind and he kept trying to tell himself to focus on his duty. It wasn't right to use Becky's accident as a doorway to a second chance with Merton, this wasn't about him and the biggest regret of his life. He'd already blown it, when he'd had a chance to help Merton walk through the door Tommy had frozen and the person who hadn't missed her opportunity to have Merton in her life forever had appeared just in time and fixed it. Leah had pushed Merton into the door and helped him see for himself that Becky was breathing. And it had been her right, it was Leah's place to be by Merton's side, to hold him up in a crisis. Tommy had given up all rights he had to Merton the day he chose to run away instead of facing his emotions about himself and about Merton.  
  
He shouldn't be standing there, staring into the room, watching Merton watch his sister breathe, but he couldn't leave, not on his own anyway. He'd have to be forced into leaving because this was a chance he thought he'd never have again. To see Merton again, to look at him and worry if he was eating enough. To see his blue eyes and his hair standing up on end. only it wasn't, Tommy swallowed at the realization. Merton had changed his hairstyle but not drastically, it was shorter, not spiked but he still had his side burns and the back of his neck was the same - exactly the same. Could it be that easy? Just a bit of change but everything else mostly the same? Could Tommy just step right back into Merton's life and ..  
  
"Tommy? Are you her doctor?"  
  
Tommy's hand flew to his mouth to try to hold in the shocked gasp. Leah was standing right next to him and he'd allowed himself to block her out, even though he knew she was there. She'd help Merton go into the room when he'd hadn't, after all, making Tommy roll his eyes at himself. "Do you have questions?" Tommy asked, turning to look down at Leah, ignoring the look of shock and uncertainty on her face as she eyed his stethoscope and his scrubs.  
  
"About a million." Leah muttered, and then she took a breath. "Rebecca. How extensive were her injuries? What was the surgery she went through - and how long of a rehabilitation does she have ahead of her?"  
  
"She was lucky, the injuries were internal and though dangerous were minor and easily repaired. She's going to hurt for awhile but she should be ready to go home in about week and it shouldn't be long until she's back on her feet. Becky's young and in excellent health." Tommy shifted his weight as he spoke to Leah, it had to be the most uncomfortable moment of his life. He felt like a heel of a doctor, thinking more about Becky's brother than Becky, and talking to Leah wasn't easy. It was too hard to look at her, she had Merton and he didn't.  
  
"She shouldn't be alone when she is released, should she?"  
  
"Um. well it's always best after major surgery to have someone around to help you out," Tommy said, glancing into the room at Merton again and forcing himself to close his eyes. He needed to think about the patient, his patient. "Have you called Mr. and Mrs. Dingle?"  
  
"What?" Leah asked, sounding totally confused, making Tommy look at her directly. He took in her expression of complete bafflement and felt all his insides turn to stone.  
  
"Their parents?"  
  
"Oh. God." Leah started to shake her head, looking away from him, but when she looked up her eyes had hardened with undisguised anger at him. "They are dead. They died about three months after you left. Car accident. I'm surprised Merton didn't give himself a heart attack waiting for Rebecca." Her voice softened as she finished the news and she turned back to the room to look at Merton. "I better make him change out those wet clothes." With that she was gone from the hallway leaving Tommy alone in the hallway to digest the news about the Dingles.  
  
Merton's parents had died. In a car accident. Hell, pure hell, Merton had to have been going through pure hell tonight. God, why hadn't Lori told him? She had to have known, why didn't she tell him, had he been that awful to her every time she tried to bring up Merton? God, he probably stopped her from telling him and lately he'd barely spoken to Lori. He didn't even know if she spoke to Merton any more, she was so far away in Seattle, working as a photographer. He felt dizzy and walked backward until he hit the wall opposite the door to Becky's room, using it to support his weight. Closing his eyes, he realized that another chance with Merton wasn't going to be possible, things hadn't just subtly changed over the years, things had changed too much. Merton had no parents. Lori was barely in his life and possibly not in Merton's at all. He was going to make a living as a doctor, something he never would have dreamed of before he walked out of Merton's life. It became harder for Tommy to breathe, it always did when he thought about what he had done after their first year of college - it was the biggest mistake of his life. It left a hole inside of him that he couldn't fill and he could never take it back. He had walked out without a goodbye, without an explanation and he couldn't just call up Merton and go, "hey, missed you, Buddy." And Becky's accident wasn't fate, it wasn't luck handing Merton back to him. If it was anything it was a punishment, it was the world mocking him by showing him what he had left behind and would always crave but never have. There was no second chance, there was no atonement for his mistake and most of all no forgiveness.  
  
"Tommy?"  
  
Tommy stopped breathing and looked up, he'd fallen on the floor with his head in his hands and Merton was staring down at him, holding his change of clothes. He was still wearing the wet clothes, and he was visibly shivering. Merton looked far too white and cold to be looking down at Tommy with what. concern that he was sitting on the hard floor, his head in hands? The guilt and regret burned harder inside of him and Tommy started to stand up.  
  
"Becky's going to be okay. there isn't something you didn't tell Leah, is there?"  
  
"Huh?" Tommy asked, nearly losing his balance as it hit him that Merton was worried that Tommy was anxious about Becky's health, not about Tommy. Finding his balance, he stood firmly and nearly laughed at his own absurdity for thinking otherwise. Of course that was it, it was all it could be, he made sure he held no importance in Merton's life. Merton probably hadn't even not missed him. "No. I told Leah everything. Really, Merton, Becky will be fine."  
  
Merton looked at him for a long moment that had Tommy once again holding his breath. He couldn't take his eyes off Merton, those big eyes, that mouth, those eyes and.  
  
"She'll be okay?"  
  
. that voice. It wasn't as confident as Tommy's memory recalled, but the situation was one they'd never shared in the past.  
  
Tommy nodded. "Yes."  
  
Merton blinked and stepped back, looking into the room at his sister. The light had been turned on and Leah was sitting in the chair closest to the bed, Tommy saw her instantly look away from the two of them and pick up the book that been in her lap. Looking back at Tommy, Merton opened his mouth but nothing came out.  
  
Tommy couldn't find his own voice at all and he nervously clasped his hands behind his neck.  
  
"A doctor?" Merton asked him, his voice holding none of the disbelief most of his old friends had when they heard the news.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Merton nodded at him and looked back at the room. "So you are Becky's?"  
  
"Uh huh," Tommy heard himself say and he mentally cringed. That sounded competent and professional, he thought, but he forced himself to hold Merton's gaze. It wasn't full eye contact, which Tommy was grateful for, but it was enough to really see Merton's eyes again. Dark, clear blue eyes, God it really was Merton and he was talking to Tommy. Okay so he was Becky's doctor, but they were talking, Tommy forced himself to breathe.  
  
"Where is a bathroom?"  
  
Tommy pointed to Merton's left. "Go that way and it's right around the corner to your right."  
  
Merton nodded, but before he walked away he spoke again, so quickly that Tommy wasn't sure he heard him. "Take care of her, Tommy, please?" Tommy blinked and his head turned in Merton's direction but he was so far away that Tommy wasn't sure if it had been real or his imagination. Had it been admonishment or a form of gratefulness that it was Tommy taking care of her? Tommy's heartbeat was loud in his ears and he prayed he heard Merton right. Merton's tone had been soft and almost pleading as if Tommy make sure to stay Becky's doctor. As if it had to be him that looked after her because Merton trusted him. Tommy let out a sigh and closed his eyes, he was imagining things. He was daydreaming, Merton had probably meant, 'take care of her or I'll sue.'  
  
"Tommy."  
  
Tommy gasped again as Leah intruded on his thoughts for the second time and he looked over at her.  
  
"Do you need to look at Becky or do anything?"  
  
Tommy nodded and walked into the room. "Just want to check her vitals." He trailed off as he pulled a mini-flashlight out of his pocket and checked Becky's eyes. "She's doing fine, she'll wake up in a few hours, I think."  
  
"Good, maybe I can drag Merton out by then. He needs sleep."  
  
Tommy bit his tongue, he didn't want to agree and he was pretty sure Leah was just worrying out loud. Glancing at her from the corner of his eye, he saw her brushing some of Becky's hair off her face, she wasn't talking to him at all.  
  
"Almost done?" she asked, surprising him with the direct question, but she remained looking at Becky.  
  
Déjà vu filled Tommy from the day Merton met Leah she was always trying to hurry him in the opposite direction of Merton. His jaw clenched and he wanted to fight her, he wanted to say he was Merton's friend too and he should stay, but he couldn't. They weren't friends, Tommy had ended that chapter in their lives and he had to live with it. It didn't matter how much he regretted it, he'd made the choice and would live with the emptiness. "Until morning," Tommy heard himself say. "And I am sure Merton will have questions himself by then."  
  
Leah looked at him then and he met her gaze. She was silently asking if he planned to answer Merton's questions, so he nodded because there was no way anyone else would be there. Maybe it was being a bastard but Becky was his patient and until she wasn't, he was going to pray he got to see Merton as much as possible. "You should get him some hot coffee, Leah," Tommy said, as he made a few notes on Becky's chart. He dropped it into its slot and looked up to see Leah looking at him. She was looking at him with wide brown eyes that seemed to see through him, in fact he always believed she could when it came to Merton. She bit her lip and looked away from him and when she looked back her voice was gentle.  
  
"Thank you, Tommy. For looking after Becky today, and I know it's helping Merton to know you are her doctor."  
  
Damn it, he wished she wouldn't do that. She had always done that, one second staking her claim to Merton and then the next being understanding. It made it hard not to feel guilty about his irrational hatred of her. He didn't even know her, but she had Merton and he didn't. That was enough to make him wish her out of existence. He wondered why she had said that to him, though, it couldn't be true. Even if it fit his wishful thinking from the moment in the hallway. Merton couldn't trust him with Becky, not after how Tommy had left things between them. No. Leah was just being nice for some weird and annoying reason. "It's just my job," Tommy whispered to her.  
  
She smiled at him but then her voice got louder. "Well, Bye, Tommy. Nice seeing you again. despite the circumstances."  
  
And that was it, someone forcing his hand and reminding him that he had to leave. Tommy stepped out of the room and made himself turn in the opposite direction he'd sent Merton. He'd see Merton at least one more time before Becky's release. He had one more chance to memorize him and it would have to last him the rest of his life, because there was no second shot. 


	4. Chapter 4

****

Chapter Four 

__

She is just another patient… she is just another patient… was Tommy's mantra as he pushed open the door to Becky's room two days after her surgery. Being her doctor had been as awkward and as embarrassingly uncomfortable as Tommy had feared. First Becky had been shocked to find out he was Dr. Dawkins and he could tell from the look in her eyes that she was amazed he even knew how to read a thermometer. After her initial shock at the fact he was in charge of her care had come the death-glares and the cold shoulder. She was non-responsive to anything he said when he attempted friendly conversation. Tommy knew without asking that she hated him for vanishing without a word all those years ago and so he didn't look forward to seeing her. There was no reason to, he hadn't seen Merton in her room since the night of her accident, making him give up on the chance to have one last look at him. His attitude was do his job to the best of his ability and get Becky released as soon as was possible. As long as she was around, he couldn't get Merton off his mind and he couldn't stop the hope at a second chance from slipping into his thoughts. It was pointless, this was not a time to be optimistic. He'd lost Merton, by his own actions, and that was that. 

"Thank you so much, Rebecca." A young woman in a candy striper uniform was gushing as she patted a book on Becky's bed stand lovingly. "I can't believe that soon I'll have a signed copy of…"

Becky cut her off but in such a sweet voice that the young woman didn't catch the look of irritation on her face. "It's no problem. My brother is always happy to sign copies of the book. I'll have him sign it tonight when he gets here." 

"Thank you, thank you so much!" The girl practically floated out of the room, giving Tommy only a small nod of acknowledgement. 

"Is it time for you to poke and prod me again?" Becky asked, her voice flat as she looked at him.

Tommy nodded and remembered his mantra, Becky was just another patient. A crabby one, but so what, a lot of his patients weren't chipper. It wasn't like he wanted her to gaze up at him like she had during high school, he didn't need her to have a school girl crush on him anymore – he just didn't want her to hate him. But he didn't blame her, he'd turned his back on her brother without a word. "Let's get started."

"Can I get out of here soon?"

"I think so. Tomorrow maybe."

"Good," Becky said, looking away from him and out the lone window in the room. "I want some fresh air and it will be better for everyone once I get home…" she trailed with a sharp intake of air. Tommy felt his jaw clench, it was obvious what she meant, she wanted him and Merton apart so that their lives wouldn't overlap any longer. 

"Soon," Tommy said curtly and his eyes fell on the book the candy striper had left behind and the ornate gold lettering that spelled out _Merton J. Dingle_ caught his eye. Autograph, Becky and the girl had been discussing Merton's autograph. "Merton wrote a book." He heard his own voice and cringed, he sounded like he was on drugs.

"No his name is on the book by accident. He's written four books, Tommy. Best sellers too, obviously you never noticed, but then again why would you have cared. You vanished without even backward glance."

"That's not true," Tommy snapped without thinking.

"What?" Becky asked, glaring at him. "What?"

Tommy closed his eyes and started shaking his head. "I don't read a lot that is all." 

Becky let out a derisive snort and Tommy started to back away to leave the room. 

"You're ready to go home, tomorrow, I'll get the paperwork in motion…"

"Why did you do it Tommy? Why did you leave Merton without an explanation or a word. How do you do that to a friend who believes in you, how Tommy?" Becky suddenly asked him her voice full of contempt. 

Tommy froze, he was only a step away from leaving the room but he froze his back to her and stared at the hallway. He didn't have an answer to give to her, the truth was only Merton's to hear and Merton didn't want to hear it. 

"I didn't think you'd have the guts to answer," Becky snapped. 

Tommy closed his eyes and he turned around. "I had to." It hadn't been what he meant to say. He had wanted to say that he had reasons that had made sense at the time. He had wanted to at least try to explain that he'd regretted it immediately but hadn't seen anyway to take it back. Instead he had shared the worst possible truth, that he'd felt he had no choice but to runaway. 

Becky stared at him from her bed, her eyes dark with fury and despite the fact she was more than a foot shorter than him and lying down Tommy's knees started to shake. The love of a sister was formidable and she was angry, so angry that her mouth opened but she couldn't speak. Becky put up her hand to keep him frozen in place and Tommy held his breath and waited, and finally when he thought his lungs would collapse from the pressure she spoke. "Stay. Away. From. My. Brother." 

And Tommy almost laughed at her threat. Because, though it was the last thing he wanted to do, staying away from Merton was the choice he had. He couldn't go up to him and say a friendly, casual hello – he'd broken things past any possible repair. As much as he wanted to dream and hope he hadn't. Forcing himself to meet Becky's eyes, he felt chilled and he nodded at her because there was nothing else he could do. He would listen to her threat because what he'd done was something that couldn't be taken back.

~~

Merton sat in his car, staring up at the hospital, he wasn't supposed to meet Leah at Becky's room until seven o'clock. It was the deal they'd made, or rather Leah had asked him to make. He hadn't said anything, he had known instantly what she was doing. She had been finding out Tommy's hours from the nursing staff and scheduling their visits to Becky so they wouldn't run into him. He wasn't sure if it made him feel better or worse she was doing it, but he was going along with the idea. Avoiding Tommy was a good idea because seeing him hurt. It brought up too many memories and made even the good ones sting like they had when he'd been left alone wondering if he'd imagined their friendship. If it had been an illusion during his senior year of high school and that first year of college -- and maybe it had been. Maybe he'd been hanging onto a fluke connection he had made with Tommy Dawkins and pushed it too hard so that it finally crumbled apart. 

Tommy had left without a word rather than tell Merton the truth. _This entire relationship was a bad mistake on my part – you aren't the type of person I want to be friends with. _Those words had been Merton's biggest fear since the first day Tommy had talked to him. He'd feared that one day Tommy would wake up and wonder what the hell he was doing associating with someone like Merton. Someone who didn't fit in with everyone else and never would – someone that wasn't about to change who he was to fit in, even if a part of him would always crave acceptance. He'd felt acceptance from Tommy. Tommy had seemed to like him, to actually think he was a person whose point of view counted for something. Tommy's acceptance had meant more to Merton than he'd let himself think about, and to keep it he'd hid facts about himself from Tommy. He'd been afraid if Tommy had learned the truth it send him packing. He'd hidden the truth so well that he'd started to believe the lies he was selling. He'd started to wonder why he had thought he liked men better than women, and everything had gotten more confusing and he ended up with more to hide from Tommy. 

Not that it had mattered in the end. Tommy had walked out before he ever found out that Merton liked both sexes but that he was predominantly attracted to men. Or worse, that he was attracted to Tommy himself. In the end his feelings for Tommy and his true sexual confusion and denials had hurt himself and Leah. He'd wasted so much time lying and worrying about what Tommy would think because he'd just been a mistake in Tommy's life anyway. The truth was he hadn't had acceptance from Tommy at all if he could just get up and leave and what did it matter? So they'd been friends for two years, how well had they really known each other? Tommy had lied about being friends forever and Merton hadn't been honest about who he was. 

Maybe avoiding Tommy wasn't necessary but it seemed to be the thing to do, wasn't it? But then avoiding Tommy had been Leah's idea and Becky had seconded it and Merton – he didn't know what he was doing. He slumped into the seat of his car and rolled his eyes. The truth was, he liked knowing Tommy was one of Becky's doctor's, he wasn't sure if it was because he had known Tommy or if it was because despite what Tommy had done to him – Merton remembered Tommy as someone who truly cared about people. Tommy was always trying to help someone out, he had a deep capacity to care about people. Merton used to get jealous at the attention Tommy would give near strangers because they needed directions or that he was always there for his team members. And he'd always been there for Merton, Merton frowned, this was why Leah had wanted him to avoid Tommy. This was why she was purposely avoiding the subject of the odd coincidence Tommy was Becky's doctor because she knew that when Merton thought about Tommy he'd inevitably get completely confused. How could the nice guy he'd been best friends with turn his back on him without a word? Merton spent way too much time in pondering the why of the end of their friendship, thinking there had to be a rational explanation that would explain what was essentially out of character behavior from Tommy. 

Leah had never believed that, though, and after some time either had Becky. Then even Lori had told him that Tommy had been stupid and wrong to walk away like he had and Merton's insecurity had made him accept the only possibility he had – Tommy had decided Merton wasn't worth his friendship. Merton flinched at the thought, a sharp ache stabbing his chest, it hurt physically even after so many years. Merton breathed in and looked at his watch. It was still early but his butt was starting to fall asleep and Becky was right inside. He knew the nurses would let him before visiting hours, it turned out they were all fans of his, which had perks even if it was driving Becky crazy to have to talk about him all day. The decision made he got out of the car, locked it and headed toward the hospital when he heard Leah. 

"Merton? Is that you?" 

Leah. Merton stopped walking took a deep breath and tried his best not to compare her to a bad penny, but at times she was exactly like one. She had the most uncanny timing he knew and though he loved her to death their were times… 

"Merton?"

"Hey, you're early too."

"Yeah, it didn't take me as long to do my errands as I thought. Why are you early?"

"Meetings finished early and I didn't feel like staring at Word."

"You are trying to hard…"

"I rather not talk about my writer's block, Leah."

Leah nodded and she looked past him at the hospital and he could see her wheels turning as she calculated their chances of bumping into Tommy. "Nighttime visiting hours don't start until seven, why don't we go across the street for coffee?"

"I want to go in. They'll let me see her."

"I could really use a coffee," Leah said, her voice lowering the second she met his eyes. "Am I being that obvious?"

Merton nodded. "Was I glaring?"

"Pretty much. I just… isn't it easier knowing you won't see him?"

Merton sighed, "I guess. I don't… you and Becky decided it would be and I can't find a reason to argue. You know, we haven't been friends longer than we were friends, Leah. So does it really matter if we run into each other. He's just some guy I went to high school with and like the rest of them when I run into them it doesn't count for much." He punctuated the sentence with a smile and wished he meant it, maybe he had known Tommy for a short period of time all things considered but Tommy had left a hell of an impression and a hole. 

Leah stared at him and shook her head. "I know you are lying through your teeth, but I won't stop you from going in there. But I can't watch it."

Merton sighed. "Leah…"

"I don't want to see you open yourself up to be hurt again."

"I won't be," Merton said, his eyes rolling. "He doesn't care about me one way or the other, Leah. And anyway what do you think I'll do, drop to my knees and beg him to be friends again."

Leah sighed. "You wouldn't be that melodramatic. I don't think… though…."

Merton shook his head and cut her off. "Leah, avoiding him like he's a plague is pretty melodramatic, don't you think? That is what you want me to do, what Becky wants? Do you two think I'll turn to Jell-O or something?"

"You were in love with him," Leah whispered her eyes moving up toward the sky as she spoke away from him and she took a breath. "I… you know what? You should do what you want to do. I'm sorry I got so protective and Becky can't help herself when it comes to you, anymore than you can for her. So your call, we going in or to have coffee?"

Merton forgot himself and the confusion Tommy's reemergence in his life was causing the second he saw Leah fall into herself and avoid looking at him. He'd hurt her far more than Tommy had hurt him, because at least Tommy hadn't promised to love him forever and then take it away and offer only friendship in its place. Selfishly he held on to Leah in his life because he loved her, more than she'd ever know or understand but he wasn't in love with her and she'd been in love with him. She was trying to protect him from seeing the object of an un-returned affection, a pain she knew first hand because of him and he suddenly felt like a heel. "Come here."

She looked at him the second he spoke and he smiled at her, she stepped forward and he hugged her. As he hugged her he thought about giving in and giving her what she wanted. Avoiding even the slim chance of running into Tommy, but he couldn't. "I want to see my sister, the chances are slim we'll see Tommy anyway? Right?"

Leah nodded into his shoulder and then stepped back. "Slim, but not impossible." 

"I like the odds."

"But what are you hoping for? To see him or not, Merton?"

Merton sighed and grabbed Leah's hand. "I don't know." 

"That's honest." 

"I know you're only trying to protect me."

"I can't help it when it comes to you, Merton."

Merton nodded. "Let's go visit Becky, Leah. Because honestly, we are creating a drama where there is none. He's just her doctor and nothing more is going to come from it."

Leah squeezed his hand and he squeezed back and looked at her sideways. She was looking straight ahead with a determined look on her face. But it didn't hide her fear and he felt a shudder roll down his spine. She really believed if he saw Tommy again, he'd open the door back up to him… and what if that was true? Leah had uncanny instincts sometimes, what if there was a chance to get back his best friend? Merton mentally shook himself for thinking like that and tried to tell himself he didn't want to bump into Tommy. 


	5. Chapter Five

****

Chapter Five 

Leah glanced at the door to Becky's room for the fifth time in ten minutes, she couldn't hear the argument that Merton was carrying on with his sister about her moving into the penthouse with them. Instead all she could do was imagine Tommy Dawkins walking into the room looking all cocky and confident with a stethoscope wrapped around his neck. Merton would try to not react but Leah would be able to see the tightening in his jaw and the intake of breathe he'd have at seeing Tommy. Her imagination was vivid and she could see it all in vivid visual detail and she wanted it to vanish. She willed it away and tried to listen in Becky's attempts to get Merton to see reason and understand why she wanted to go to her own apartment. It was futile. She couldn't stop thinking about the fact that Merton and Tommy were in each other's lives again, it wouldn't end when Becky was released tomorrow. Life had tossed them back together, after the both of them had experience enough life to change, to grow, to become safer in their own skins. 

Leah believed in fate. Usually she found a comfort in it, in seeing the good things in what was seemingly the random patterns of life. It gave her hope that maybe their were more good souls in the world, that their were more good people in the world that would give and care. It gave her hope in people and things but when it came to the idea of Merton and Tommy finding a way to restart their relationship, to restart their friendship. Leah found herself cursing the fate she usually cherished. Tommy Dawkins could take her closest friend, her only family and if she faced facts a man she loved away from her. She had felt the one year she'd known him and seen their friendship, and it had come flooding back finding Merton with Tommy the night of Becky's accident. Danger alerts went off in her brain and she hated it. And she hated herself for being so jealous, so manipulative. She was pushing Merton to fight fate, something that went against everything that she was and to not go after a closure that would settle and calm his soul if he could gain it. He had a chance at it, at that closure. 

And she was telling him to run from it as he could. Leah looked from the door, where she still stared envisioning Tommy's perfectly time entranced, and back to Merton. He was still shaking his head at Becky, who was shaking her head back at him. Leah rolled her eyes at the sibling battle of wills and wondered if maybe she should give Merton the right advice instead of pushing him to do what she wanted. 

Maybe she should tell him to seek out Tommy, to talk to him and to at the least gain a sense of closure about the abrupt ending to their friendship. They had found each other again and maybe it meant they could have a second chance. Fear made her throat feel like it was closing and she looked away from Merton again and started to tell herself to calm down. Tommy Dawkins scared her more than any other man. He was the only real threat to her place in Merton's life. She knew Merton could never, would never, love her as a woman. He'd been in denial when they first met and so had she… but what she hadn't seen in Merton she had sensed in Tommy. She was sure that the feelings Merton had denied and carried with him during his friendship with Tommy had been mutual. She had seen the way Tommy looked at Merton, and the edge in his voice and the angry-hurt in his eyes when she was around. He perceived her as a threat and she had perceived him as one. And she'd been right too, Merton had confided in her years later after that he'd been in love with Tommy but afraid to let himself feel it and he had buried his realizations about his sexuality after meeting Tommy because he hadn't wanted to lose his best friend.

He'd lost him anyway.

And Leah wondered if she should tell Merton about her instincts about Tommy and why she feared him. Why Tommy made her so sure she'd lose her place in Merton's life and his heart. She'd lose being his confidant and him being hers. She'd lose just being around him and being able to call on him at all hours and all the time. She'd lose being the first priority after his sister. 

"Leah?"

Leah looked up from the floor, into Merton's wide blue eyes and realized her own were full of tears. They started to trail down her face and she reached up quickly to wipe them away. 

"What is wrong?" Merton asked, his voice low and Leah glanced at the bed and saw Becky had fallen asleep. 

"How long has she been sleeping?" Leah whispered. 

"Few minutes."

"Were you trying to get my attention that long?"

"I stared for awhile." Merton grinned. "Where were you?"

Leah smiled back at him, his smile always got to her. It was wide, trusting and just a bit mischievous hinting at the unknown treasures that resided inside of him. She knew a lot of those treasures but she knew there would be always more. Plus the parts of him she'd never witness. Tell him to find Tommy, a little voice whispered telling herself it was the right thing to do, that she should do it, instead she shook her head. "Nowhere."

"You're crying."

"I was dreaming, it was just a sad dream."

Merton furrowed his brow and grabbed her hand leading her out of Becky's room, taking them toward the elevators. "You were pretty quiet."

"Guess I am more tired than I realized."

"Worried about one the kids at the school?"

"Always," Leah said, wondering if he could hear her heart pounding as she studied his profile. He was thinking, he knew she wasn't being straight with him and she willed him to let it go.

"Are you crying about a kid?"

"No." Leah inwardly cringed, why couldn't she have said yes.

"Leah, you don't cry during a daydream."

"Sometimes you do."

"When?"

"I don't know, sometimes you just do. Haven't you ever moved yourself when you write or an idea for a moving scene comes to you? I would think you, of all people, could understand the power of a fantasy." Leah leaned against the elevator wall with a thump relieved she found a way to turn things against him. Maybe.

Merton stepped into the elevator and hit the button for the lobby. The whole time eyeing her suspiciously. "I've never cried while daydreaming."

"Never."

"No."

"Well maybe you should," Leah snapped.

Merton looked back at her, "Why are you so moody?"

"I just am, okay." Leah closed her eyes and started to mentally count to ten. Her conscience was urging her to tell him to find Tommy but her selfish side was screaming at her to not jeopardize the pieces of Merton she had. If he and Tommy renewed their friendship she'd lose more of him and she had already lost too much of him. 

"Oh! Damn it," Merton said, startling her and she cracked open an eye to look at him. "I forgot to sign the books people dropped at Becky's feet. I've got to go back up."

"Do it tomorrow."

"No, there won't be time tomorrow." 

Leah didn't want him to go back up there, not alone, not when Tommy was probably still in the hospital. "Don't."

"I have to, Leah."

"You don't have to do anything, you can mail the books and send them back to their owners."

"That's a pain in the ass and unfair to the people who want autographs."

"Then call Becky early and have her forge your signature. She's good at it."

"No." Merton said looking at her appalled and she felt appalled at herself but she couldn't lose him completely. She couldn't. 

"But…"

"But what?" Merton asked as the doors to the elevator slid open. 

Leah sighed and stepped in to the lobby. "Do it tomorrow."

"I've got to do it now. Tomorrow will be too much of a hassle. I'll see you at home."

"But…"

"But what?"

"Merton…" Leah's voice caught in her throat her conscience stalling her, her conscience telling her not to fight, telling her she was being ridiculous and paranoid. She didn't know if Tommy would be around for Merton to run in to. She didn't know if her worst fears would come true if they saw each other, she didn't know anything, except that she was terrified of losing Merton. The man who made her laugh, who her made her smile and who encouraged all her dreams. The man who had given her a place to always be herself. The man she was pathetically and hopelessly in love with. The elevator doors closed, if it was going to happen she'd lost her chance to stop it. 

~~~

Merton pushed open the door to Becky's room expecting her to still be sleeping, instead she was awake looking tense and sighing at Tommy, who was standing at the foot of her bed. Her eyes widened the second she spotted him and she started shaking her head. "Go," she shouted at him.

Tommy turned around to see what Becky was reacting to and Merton met his eyes for a split second, he wanted to keep looking longer but he ignored the impulse and looked back at Becky. "Hi, Becky."

"Go away. Didn't you leave when I fell asleep before?"

"Yes."

"Then why are you back here?"

Merton rolled his eyes and walked further into the room. "I am back to sign the pile of books on your bedside, because I forgot earlier. And tomorrow will be a hassle, so here I am." He picked up the first book and the Sharpie on the bed stand and sat down in the chair by Becky's bed. 

"So Tommy, done yet, good, bye," Becky snapped in one long breath at Tommy. 

"I need to check your stitches still."

"How about in ten minutes?"

"I'll be heading home in ten minutes, Becky."

"Rebecca." 

"Whatever…" Tommy's exasperated groan made Merton look up from his signing and right at his ex-best friend. Tommy chose that moment to glance at Merton, making him hold his breath and look back down at the book in his hand. 

"Go away, Tommy, you aren't prodding and poking me in front of my brother."

"Fine. Fine, Becky… and you know it is Dr. Dawkins," Tommy said, irritated as he turned around and stalked out of the room.

Merton didn't think he just stood up, holding a paperback of his second book in one hand and the Sharpie in the other and followed Tommy. Behind him he heard his sister scream something at him about being out of his mind but he didn't listen. Tommy hadn't gone far. He was across the hall, his back to Merton with his hands and his head leaning against the wall. Merton watched his body shake with an exasperated sigh and cleared his throat. Tommy jumped around and blinked as he focused on Merton. Merton smiled, completely unsure why he was out there in the hallway. "I'm sorry." 

"You're sorry? For what?" Tommy asked quickly, his voice angry and his expression shocked.

"For Becky."

"Oh." Tommy breathed out and looked down at the floor. "She's just…"

"Being unfair to you, you are helping her and she shouldn't be overlooking that. I mean you are the man making sure she's healing… and I…well I'm grateful and Becky should be…"

"Merton." 

Merton shut up, Tommy's tone was almost warning and it was familiar. How many times had he had heard it when Tommy was angry or feeling short tempered about something in their friendship. The wave of familiarity made him look away from Tommy and the silence between them got loud. 

"So you're pretty popular with… um readers?" 

The question startled him and he looked back at Tommy and saw him studying the book in his hand. "Yeah, I guess, I mean I get asked to sign books a lot."

"Everyone in the hospital who's read your stuff keeps talking about it. So is it… you know all that stuff you used to talk about? Dragons and racks and things?"

Merton laughed because his didn't know what else to do. 

"Yeah, well… I'll let you finish signing then finish checking Becky."

"No. I mean if you get off work after checking Becky… go on in. I'll wait. I'm the intruder. Becky shouldn't have…"

Tommy nodded at him. "It won't take long."

"I'll be fine out here for a second… I'll skim through my own book."

Tommy gave him a skittish smile before brushing past him and walking back into Becky's room. 

Merton moved to the wall and leaned back, facing Becky's door, and realized his heart was beating wildly. Face to face with Tommy talking about nothing at felt like talking about everything. Everything that they'd been through and everything that happened and all of Merton's unanswered questions felt like they were in the air. In every word they spoke, every pause they took and every look. Awkward didn't cover it and what he was feeling right now was worse than fear or uncertainty. Tommy came out sooner than he expected and his insides jumped up into his throat. "Startled me," he said meeting Tommy's confused expression at his gasp. "Was thinking." 

"I'm done, you can go finish up."

"She wasn't too…"

"She was fine, really, I shouldn't have let her get to me…"

"No she's being unfair."

"No she isn't, Merton." 

"Tommy…."

"So, well keep writing… I'll have to go buy the first one." Tommy said suddenly and he started to walk away. 

"Tommy," Merton called out after him. "Don't go yet… I mean wait for me…" Merton trailed off wondering what the hell he was thinking but it was too late now. 

"Yeah, okay." Tommy said and he walked back. "I'll wait right here."

Merton nodded, biting his tongue just in time before he said something lame like 'great'. "Shouldn't be long… just a few more books left," he babbled before walking back into his sister's room. The second the door closed behind him, he found himself face to face to a very irate sister. 

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"Treating your doctor with some respect. Becky, he's helping you, you could be grateful."

"Grateful to Tommy Dawkins? You smoking crack or something? Don't you remember what he did to you? He was a total bastard."

Merton sighed at the memory of one day having a best friend and the next being without him as if two years hadn't happened at all. "I remember, Becky. Better than you."

"Then what are you doing?"

"I don't know."

"Well then don't do it, Merton. Don't. It's a dead end."

Merton studied her face as her anger faded and concern took over and he forced himself not to look over his shoulder at the door. "Go to sleep, you should rest. I'll see you in the morning. I just need to sign these last three books."

Becky bit her lip and somehow managed to keep her mouth shut and rolled over to her side. "Don't do anything stupid, Freaker," she muttered, mostly into her pillow but she knew he could hear it. 


End file.
